Students and Students

Students and Students
John Lanigan (JL): Evian, France. The nerve of the man is unbelievable, said the police officer, after the arrest of an astronomer employed by a local college. Since he joined the college in 1993, say police, he used the college telescope to film teenage college students undressing 67 miles away. Police also seized hundreds of tons of footage of the unsuspecting students. What we're talking about is the world's highest tech peeping Tom, said the detective. "He seems to have found a new, more novel use for the observatory and will be subject to invasion of privacy charges. Jimmy Malone (JM): I like this, though. JL: The astronomer, 49, has been suspended without pay pending an inquiry. "It's been a terrible misunderstanding," he told the local press, "I can explain everything." Well, I don't believe you. JM: I know you use a telescope to look for celestial bodies, but my God... JL: Take a look at this one, is this celestial? Is this heavenly? Look at those orbs... JM: The University of Tokyo has expelled four medical students for throwing brains at other students. JL: Wait a minute, for what? JM: For throwing brains at other students. School officials said that three men and one woman were dissecting cadavers in the science laboratory when one of the males removed part of the cerebral cortex from a corpse's skull and threw it at one of the other pre-med students. JL: Hey, bozo! JM: Within minutes, a brain fight had broken out... JL: Oh my God, food fight, food fight... JM: The students then reportedly opened the windows of the second floor lab and threw a few brains down on passerby's on the street. One girl was hit on the face and required treatment at the university's emergency room. School officials say that they think there were more people involved in the brain throwing, but only four were witnessed. The expelled students said they didn't plan the brain fight and one of them said "it just sort of happened." He blamed the odd behavior on the presence of constant study and lack of sleep. They were just trying to let off a little steam. JL: That's what I always do. You haven't really lived until you've got a hand full of brains to throw at somebody...good grief... John Webster (JW): In Bakersfield, California, Judge Alan Kline has been kicked off the bench, at least temporarily, until they investigate charges from a teenage stripper, who said that the judge offered to drop a charge of lewd conduct against her in exchange for a private show. JM: Well...(laughter) JL: Huh? JW: Yeah, Judge Kline said we'll be glad to drop this charge, but I'd like a private strip show, well, that's what she says. The judge is suspended while investigators check out the accusation. Kline, of course, the judge, says it did not happen. Kline says, "hey, listen, I pay for my strippers, I don't need her." Well, he said it. (laughter) JL: A Manchester, England, proctologist has explained her method of judging people's personality just by reading their butts. JW: Well, kind of knew that, didn't you? JL: Jenny Eclair (sp), bottom consultant, said I can tell if your partner is guilty about something by the creases below the cheeks. Forget lipstick on the collar, just look for spots in the crease. This is a sure sign of guilt. Avoid the man with the spotty behind. JW: Spotty behind. JL: A short crack means high intelligence, but again, be sure to care for your creases. Some baby wipes or perhaps a nozzle attachment for your Hoover should do. JW: Holy cow. JL: Ms. Eclair is touring the country with her system and says that you can use the method on yourself, much like palm reading. "It's good to read your own, she says, but, it's much better to have a friend do it for you." So there you go. JM: Oh my gosh. JL: What's the matter? JM: I could just see Dionne Warwick now with the psychic butt crack reading. JW: They're liable to have that soon... JL: You never know. Now, one final story. JM: One of our interns, this guy used to be an intern and got this to me. Two Conneaut teens were intoxicated when they walked into a local Dairymart. One of the boys named Clint stood next to the candy rack, unzipped his pants to expose himself and threatened to urinate on the candy if the cashier did not hand over all the money. The cashier did what the Maloner would have done and gave over the money. The two boys then fled across the scene by crossing the street to the Tru Valu hardware store where they proceeded to brag and laugh loudly about what they had done. They continued to laugh until the Conneaut police wandered over there and arrested them for robbery and indecent exposure. JL: Why would you go to Tru Valu hardware and brag about this? JM: To show them your tools! I don't know. The guys were drunk, don't forget about that! JL: Oh, you think there could have been liquor involved? JM: They were drunk. JL: Here, give me all your money or I'll pee all over the juju bees. (laughter) You'll have jawbreakers with urine all over them, bozo....

John Lanigan (JL): Evian, France. The nerve of the man is unbelievable, said the police officer, after the arrest of an astronomer employed by a local college. Since he joined the college in 1993, say police, he used the college telescope to film teenage college students undressing 67 miles away. Police also seized hundreds of tons of footage of the unsuspecting students. What we're talking about is the world's highest tech peeping Tom, said the detective. "He seems to have found a new, more novel use for the observatory and will be subject to invasion of privacy charges.

Jimmy Malone (JM): I like this, though.

JL: The astronomer, 49, has been suspended without pay pending an inquiry. "It's been a terrible misunderstanding," he told the local press, "I can explain everything." Well, I don't believe you.

JM: I know you use a telescope to look for celestial bodies, but my God...

JL: Take a look at this one, is this celestial? Is this heavenly? Look at those orbs...

JM: The University of Tokyo has expelled four medical students for throwing brains at other students.

JL: Wait a minute, for what?

JM: For throwing brains at other students. School officials said that three men and one woman were dissecting cadavers in the science laboratory when one of the males removed part of the cerebral cortex from a corpse's skull and threw it at one of the other pre-med students.

JL: Hey, bozo!

JM: Within minutes, a brain fight had broken out...

JL: Oh my God, food fight, food fight...

JM: The students then reportedly opened the windows of the second floor lab and threw a few brains down on passerby's on the street. One girl was hit on the face and required treatment at the university's emergency room. School officials say that they think there were more people involved in the brain throwing, but only four were witnessed. The expelled students said they didn't plan the brain fight and one of them said "it just sort of happened." He blamed the odd behavior on the presence of constant study and lack of sleep. They were just trying to let off a little steam.

JL: That's what I always do. You haven't really lived until you've got a hand full of brains to throw at somebody...good grief...

John Webster (JW): In Bakersfield, California, Judge Alan Kline has been kicked off the bench, at least temporarily, until they investigate charges from a teenage stripper, who said that the judge offered to drop a charge of lewd conduct against her in exchange for a private show.

JM: Well...(laughter)

JL: Huh?

JW: Yeah, Judge Kline said we'll be glad to drop this charge, but I'd like a private strip show, well, that's what she says. The judge is suspended while investigators check out the accusation. Kline, of course, the judge, says it did not happen. Kline says, "hey, listen, I pay for my strippers, I don't need her." Well, he said it. (laughter)

JL: A Manchester, England, proctologist has explained her method of judging people's personality just by reading their butts.

JW: Well, kind of knew that, didn't you?

JL: Jenny Eclair (sp), bottom consultant, said I can tell if your partner is guilty about something by the creases below the cheeks. Forget lipstick on the collar, just look for spots in the crease. This is a sure sign of guilt. Avoid the man with the spotty behind.

JW: Spotty behind.

JL: A short crack means high intelligence, but again, be sure to care for your creases. Some baby wipes or perhaps a nozzle attachment for your Hoover should do.

JW: Holy cow.

JL: Ms. Eclair is touring the country with her system and says that you can use the method on yourself, much like palm reading. "It's good to read your own, she says, but, it's much better to have a friend do it for you." So there you go.

JM: Oh my gosh.

JL: What's the matter?

JM: I could just see Dionne Warwick now with the psychic butt crack reading.

JW: They're liable to have that soon...

JL: You never know. Now, one final story.

JM: One of our interns, this guy used to be an intern and got this to me. Two Conneaut teens were intoxicated when they walked into a local Dairymart. One of the boys named Clint stood next to the candy rack, unzipped his pants to expose himself and threatened to urinate on the candy if the cashier did not hand over all the money. The cashier did what the Maloner would have done and gave over the money. The two boys then fled across the scene by crossing the street to the Tru Valu hardware store where they proceeded to brag and laugh loudly about what they had done. They continued to laugh until the Conneaut police wandered over there and arrested them for robbery and indecent exposure.

JL: Why would you go to Tru Valu hardware and brag about this?

JM: To show them your tools! I don't know. The guys were drunk, don't forget about that!

JL: Oh, you think there could have been liquor involved?

JM: They were drunk.

JL: Here, give me all your money or I'll pee all over the juju bees. (laughter) You'll have jawbreakers with urine all over them, bozo....

Back to Knuckleheads