Shorts

Shorts
Jimmy Malone (JM): In a letter to the editor of The Santa Maria Times from resident Paul Allen. This is the exact letter he wrote. "I'm writing to express my dissatisfaction with President Bill Clinton's recent decision regarding air strikes in Bosnia. I think that to allow air strikes in Bosnia would be extremely detrimental to travel everywhere. When the air traffic controllers had a strike in the 1980's, then-President Ronald Reagan would not stand for it. Now, we have a screaming liberal Democrat in office and he not only allows air strikes, but orders them, and this, at the peak of the travel season. It's time for Americans to stand up and be heard. We should demand that Clinton retract this statement regarding air strikes. In fact, I believe that all unions should be stopped. If I see a picket line, I cross it proudly. No more strikes, no more strikes, let's stop these Communists before they ruin our country." Well thought out letter from Paul Allen, Santa Maria Times. (laughter) John Lanigan (JL): Could we have a little talk with you for a second, Paul? Does the word nevermind mean anything to you? Maybe that was tongue-in-cheek... JM: I don't think so... JL: He was kidding. It was a joke. John Webster (JW): Well, you know, we've heard about the running of the bulls in Spain, I believe, those Latin countries, they have these unusual contests and each year, the town of Ivrea (sp), Italy, hosts the traditional Battle of the Oranges, ever heard of this? Thousands of townspeople hurl citrus fruit at each other. This year, 250 people were treated for bruises who were pelted too hard with the fruit. 250. JM: Some of the kids froze them, that's what happened. JL: Froze them, put them in the freezer. JM: Some of the kids put the oranges in the freezer, against the rules obviously. (laughter) JW: It apparently worked. JL: Didn't you ever throw a snowball at somebody and put a rock in the middle of it? JW: Or one that you put in the freezer and it got real hard. Oh, well... JL: Does Larry King need remedial English and Math lessons? Give a listen to what the talkmeister told Penthouse when asked about his tangled marital history that includes a reported eight marriages to seven women. "In the last 25 years, I have only been married twice and in the second of those marriages, I never lived with my then-wife. In fact, I never lived with anyone except three of the four people I married." JM: What? JL: Want to hear that again? JM: I think we need to hear that again, this is from Larry King. JL: "In the last 25 years, I have only been married twice and in the second of those marriages, I never lived with my then-wife. In fact, I never lived with anyone except three of the four people I married." JM: Oh, poor Larry, it was a long day. Probably got him at the end of the day. JL: That could have been it. JM: It must have been. Utica, New York, salesman Dale Nicy (sp) was skinny-dipping with his fiancee at a mountain lake when a snapping turtle swam by and bit off his testicles. "I didn't know there was a turtle lurking around until, bam, the thing hit me like a truck," recalled the devastated 39 year old Dale. "Then I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when I got my bearings, I realized the turtle had bitten my testicles off and was swimming away with them. It's not a very nice feeling, I'll tell you that." JL: Gee, I don't think we need to add that. JM: The bachelor's hair-raising tale began when he and his fiancee Trisha Tally (sp), 26, drove from Utica to her uncle's cabin for a long-awaited vacation. "Part of the joys of being out there away from the rest of the world is that we could swim and sunbathe and run around with no clothes on and nobody was going to bother us. We took full advantage of the situation. We were skinny-dipping in the lake and not thinking anything dangerous and all of a sudden, about five minutes in the water, a turtle attacked my family jewels. They said they were unable to reattach them because the doctor said the turtle swam away with the testicles, probably thinking it was a small fish." JL: Really...how embarrassing! That was a killer whale, man, a small fish. Why did you have to say small fish anyway? JM: That's what the doctor said. JL: A minnow? It was a minnow. Oh, how embarrassing. JW: In Milwaukee, an angry woman has been charged with manslaughter. She ran down a purse snatcher, then made a U-turn and did it again. Police said Yolanda Spears yelled "nobody's gonna get away with that" just before she roared away in her Plymouth Horizon to look for the man who had punched her in the face twice... JL: and took her purse... JW: Witnesses told investigators the woman was doing 50 m.p.h., she saw the guy and ran him down. JL: All right. JW: 29 year old Phillip Young is not doing too well. On of Spears' friends told police, "he found out you don't mess with Yolanda." But he's dead. JM: I think the U-turn is what really did it. JW: Did a U-turn and turned around and came back... JL: Backed up right over him... JL: London, England, The British Safety Council has taken on the Pope and lost. The Council manipulated a photo of Pope John Paul II to promote the use of condoms. But public outrage has forced the council to withdraw the advertisement. The image featured the Pope in a construction site safety hat and was accompanied by the slogan, "The 11th commandment, thou shalt always wear a condom." Somehow, I don't believe that was one of them, when he came down from the mountain carrying those large stones and said, look... JM: Well, they only had ten back then, but they had to add... JL: One left up in the mountains, I gotta go back for it... JM: It was an update, an update. JL: Yeah.

Jimmy Malone (JM): In a letter to the editor of The Santa Maria Times from resident Paul Allen. This is the exact letter he wrote. "I'm writing to express my dissatisfaction with President Bill Clinton's recent decision regarding air strikes in Bosnia. I think that to allow air strikes in Bosnia would be extremely detrimental to travel everywhere. When the air traffic controllers had a strike in the 1980's, then-President Ronald Reagan would not stand for it. Now, we have a screaming liberal Democrat in office and he not only allows air strikes, but orders them, and this, at the peak of the travel season. It's time for Americans to stand up and be heard. We should demand that Clinton retract this statement regarding air strikes. In fact, I believe that all unions should be stopped. If I see a picket line, I cross it proudly. No more strikes, no more strikes, let's stop these Communists before they ruin our country." Well thought out letter from Paul Allen, Santa Maria Times. (laughter)

John Lanigan (JL): Could we have a little talk with you for a second, Paul? Does the word nevermind mean anything to you? Maybe that was tongue-in-cheek...

JM: I don't think so...

JL: He was kidding. It was a joke.

John Webster (JW): Well, you know, we've heard about the running of the bulls in Spain, I believe, those Latin countries, they have these unusual contests and each year, the town of Ivrea (sp), Italy, hosts the traditional Battle of the Oranges, ever heard of this? Thousands of townspeople hurl citrus fruit at each other. This year, 250 people were treated for bruises who were pelted too hard with the fruit. 250.

JM: Some of the kids froze them, that's what happened.

JL: Froze them, put them in the freezer.

JM: Some of the kids put the oranges in the freezer, against the rules obviously. (laughter)

JW: It apparently worked.

JL: Didn't you ever throw a snowball at somebody and put a rock in the middle of it?

JW: Or one that you put in the freezer and it got real hard. Oh, well...

JL: Does Larry King need remedial English and Math lessons? Give a listen to what the talkmeister told Penthouse when asked about his tangled marital history that includes a reported eight marriages to seven women. "In the last 25 years, I have only been married twice and in the second of those marriages, I never lived with my then-wife. In fact, I never lived with anyone except three of the four people I married."

JM: What?

JL: Want to hear that again?

JM: I think we need to hear that again, this is from Larry King.

JL: "In the last 25 years, I have only been married twice and in the second of those marriages, I never lived with my then-wife. In fact, I never lived with anyone except three of the four people I married."

JM: Oh, poor Larry, it was a long day. Probably got him at the end of the day.

JL: That could have been it.

JM: It must have been. Utica, New York, salesman Dale Nicy (sp) was skinny-dipping with his fiancee at a mountain lake when a snapping turtle swam by and bit off his testicles. "I didn't know there was a turtle lurking around until, bam, the thing hit me like a truck," recalled the devastated 39 year old Dale. "Then I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when I got my bearings, I realized the turtle had bitten my testicles off and was swimming away with them. It's not a very nice feeling, I'll tell you that."

JL: Gee, I don't think we need to add that.

JM: The bachelor's hair-raising tale began when he and his fiancee Trisha Tally (sp), 26, drove from Utica to her uncle's cabin for a long-awaited vacation. "Part of the joys of being out there away from the rest of the world is that we could swim and sunbathe and run around with no clothes on and nobody was going to bother us. We took full advantage of the situation. We were skinny-dipping in the lake and not thinking anything dangerous and all of a sudden, about five minutes in the water, a turtle attacked my family jewels. They said they were unable to reattach them because the doctor said the turtle swam away with the testicles, probably thinking it was a small fish."

JL: Really...how embarrassing! That was a killer whale, man, a small fish. Why did you have to say small fish anyway?

JM: That's what the doctor said.

JL: A minnow? It was a minnow. Oh, how embarrassing.

JW: In Milwaukee, an angry woman has been charged with manslaughter. She ran down a purse snatcher, then made a U-turn and did it again. Police said Yolanda Spears yelled "nobody's gonna get away with that" just before she roared away in her Plymouth Horizon to look for the man who had punched her in the face twice...

JL: and took her purse...

JW: Witnesses told investigators the woman was doing 50 m.p.h., she saw the guy and ran him down.

JL: All right.

JW: 29 year old Phillip Young is not doing too well. On of Spears' friends told police, "he found out you don't mess with Yolanda." But he's dead.

JM: I think the U-turn is what really did it.

JW: Did a U-turn and turned around and came back...

JL: Backed up right over him...

JL: London, England, The British Safety Council has taken on the Pope and lost. The Council manipulated a photo of Pope John Paul II to promote the use of condoms. But public outrage has forced the council to withdraw the advertisement. The image featured the Pope in a construction site safety hat and was accompanied by the slogan, "The 11th commandment, thou shalt always wear a condom." Somehow, I don't believe that was one of them, when he came down from the mountain carrying those large stones and said, look...

JM: Well, they only had ten back then, but they had to add...

JL: One left up in the mountains, I gotta go back for it...

JM: It was an update, an update.

JL: Yeah.

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